"Mother" is just not a title you deserve

Written on...
Friday, May 13, 2011

Of course I go days without having anything to blog about, and then when I desperately need to vent, blogger is down! So, I’m writing this on Word, and I’ll copy and paste whenever blogger is back up.
(It was a beautiful morning, and it’s storming as I write this… how fitting.)

Today I write because I’m mad. I write because I’ve been hurt, and I can’t hold it in anymore. It’s just not good for me. And I can’t vent to you, because you will just get defensive, and it won’t change the outcome anyway. So hopefully just getting this out will be therapeutic for me.
How does a mother leave her 3 children, especially when her youngest is 13?? Do you remember how hard 13 was? It’s not an easy time for anyone, especially when your mother walks out of your life. It’s certainly not easy carrying the responsibility of trying to keep your father from committing suicide. I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders at that time, because of you! I never should have had to deal with that stress at such a young age. The day you left me, dad asked you what your children were going to think about you when you walked out on them. And you said “FUCK the kids!” Really? I guess that’s a phrase I just can’t get over.
I have two kids now, and I CANNOT imagine leaving them like you did, EVER! There is absolutely NO excuse for what you did. I would fight tooth and nail to keep those precious children in my life. You were the definition of selfish when you handled your divorce like that. What you did to dad was between you and him. You weren’t happy. I get that. But I did not ask to be brought into this world, and there was no reason for you to walk out of my life for the three months that I needed you the most.
Okay, so I got that out. Let’s talk about now:
What you did then I could have gotten over, if you would have just said sorry one time. (I’m not counting the time at Justin’s wedding when you were so drunk that you didn’t know your own name) I’m talking a sober sorry. I DESERVE that from you. It’s the least you could do!! Not only have you never apologized for what you did then, you continue to shut me out. You stay close to Justin and Jenny, but for some reason, I am not good enough for you. Or maybe you just don’t like Jason. And that’s another thing that really pisses me off. The first time I brought Jason to your house you treated him like dirt, because you were mad at me for quitting school, and moving out of your house. It had nothing to do with him, yet you did not utter a single word to him the first time you met him. And seven months later, when he came over to your family’s house for Christmas, you didn’t introduce him to anyone. You acted like you were embarrassed that I brought him. You hugged Mark, and said hi to all of us, but turned a cold shoulder on Jason. And you wonder why he doesn’t like you. Maybe you want to blame him for turning me against you, as if I would need someone to persuade me to do that?!?!?
So, do you know what makes me even more disgusted with you? Not only have you shut me out of your life, you give a half-ass attempt at being a grandmother to two of your grandkids (MY kids). You sit there and “like” the pictures I put up of them on facebook. Yet, you never call to “see” how they are doing. You never come over to see them. I’m sure you wouldn’t even know what they looked like if I didn’t put pictures up of them. What did they do to deserve to not to have their grandmother in their life? Are you really that immature that you can’t be in their lives, because of something that I apparently did? Or is it that you really just don’t care about anyone but yourself, and they don’t fall in the “Yourself” category? Please help me understand.
Do you know that a few months ago, I did a little test to see how often you called me? I stopped calling, because I was sick of being the only person in our relationship. Well, you went THREE months without dialing my number. And the only reason you finally did, was because it was my birthday. And when I do finally talk to you, and you say “I love you” it sounds like the fakest, most forced thing in the entire world.
Well, I am right at my breaking point. I just can’t do this anymore. And a big part of me wants to give up on you, like you gave up on me. But another part of me realizes that I only have one mother, so I try to make something out of it, only to be turned down again. Do you know how much psychological damage that has caused me? I have so much anger in my heart, and I do NOT want to live like that.
At first, I felt really bad for uninviting you to our wedding. Jason knows the pain you’ve caused me, and could not understand why I‘ve tried so hard to keep you in my life. He didn’t want me to feel hurt during our wedding. So, that was a big reason why I wrote that message to you. But instead of replying to me, you go and talk about your feelings with Jenny. What a SLAP in the face that is to me. You are giving me the silent treatment, instead of having the balls to write a reply. You could have told me you were mad. You could have said that you just didn’t understand, or that you felt sad. But I got NOTHING from you!! So instead of feeling sorry for you, now I just feel irate.
Do you really think that after how you’ve treated me, you actually deserve to watch me get married? You didn’t feel the need to be around when I needed you before, so why would you think I want you there now? Is it so your family can see that you “were there.” Will you be embarrassed when they realize that you aren’t? You told Jenny that you were planning on helping us pay? Really, because I talked to you on the phone four times before that, and you never once offered to help. You helped Jenny and Justin with their weddings, but not me. And then you have the nerve to pay a grand to fly out to Vegas, so we can pay for you to go to our wedding, and celebrate with us? Sorry, but I will only pay for people who approve of Jason and I as a couple, and who are happy that we’re together. And even if you didn’t have enough money to help with the wedding, I deserved to hear it from you. More importantly, you could have given me emotional support.
On a side note: Dad (You know, that “crazy idiot” that you were married to for twenty years?) had the guts to say he just couldn’t afford to give me anything. And even though I was mad at him, and realized how unfair that was to help two kids but not the other, I got over it. I understand that the economy is different now, and that maybe the money just isn’t there. But I don’t believe you were planning on helping anyway.
Well… that’s enough for now. I’m feeling better already. There is so much more that I can add later.

“We’ll forget the past. But maybe I’m not able…. Cause I have found, all that shimmers in this world, is sure to fade away again.”