Thursday, May 26, 2011
Rainy Day
It's been pretty rainy the past few days. Something tells me that's just how this summer is going to be. But, we didn't mind too much, because for our afternoon walk, Ally put on her rainboots and splashed around in puddles. It was relaxing for us, and fun for her! Evan had a great time just watching!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Beautiful Sunday
I took this picture a while ago, but I noticed that my blog was filling up with Evan pics, and no Ally ones. She was dressed up in her tinkerbell dress and wings.
Well, Ohio finally got that warm weather we've been waiting for! And it was even more wonderful than I remembered!
Last night, Jason and I dropped the kids off at JuJu's and Pop's house, and had a date night. We started off with dinner and drinks out on the patio at Longhorn, and then met up with Brittany and another couple at an outdoor sushi restaurant. It was so relaxing, and everything I needed!
Today we had our usual Sunday dinner, and Jason's parents' pool was finally ready! Ally went swimming, and LOVED it! That will definitely be nice this summer! The only downside is that Evan obviously can't be in the sun or heat for long, so I will be spending a lot of time indoors. But maybe I can lay out while he naps ;)
Either way, I'm really looking foward to summer!!
Friday, May 20, 2011
My Baby Model :)
I've been waiting for the weather to warm up again so I could get Evan's six month pictures. I had so much fun playing with my camera outside, and Evan was super cooperative! I'm pretty happy with how they turned out...
A Really Big Girl Like You
Ally is eating lunch right now, and she just told me that she wants to be "a really big girl, like you, mom." It actually made me tear up a little bit. She has no idea how good she has it... I would do anything to be a little girl again, for a week or so. Don't get me wrong, being little is definitely hard too. Kids have so many rules to follow (at least she does!) But to not understand how hard the world is, and how many sad things are in it, is priceless...
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Wordy Wednesday
Well, it's Wednesday, which means I should be doing my "Worldess Wednesday" post, but I just have too much going on to post a picture.
As you may have noticed, in my last post, I wrote a little letter to my mom about how I'm feeling toward her. I never sent it, and I probably never will, but it's crazy how much better I feel! I really could have gone on and on and on. I have a really hard time dealing with my relationship with her, and I am finally coming to terms with that. I will never have the "mother/daughter" relationship, in the daughter sense, but hopefully I can have it in the mother sense, with Ally.
I will never understand why she abandoned me. And I'm not talking about the physical part of her leaving. I'm talking about her emotional abandonment. I was starting to get over it, until I had kids. And after feeling the immense love that I have for both of them (EQUALLY!) I just cannot comprehend it. The lyrics at the end of my last post bring up so much emotion. That song is by Fuel, and it's called "Shimmer." It accidentally became my "theme song" during that rough patch in my life. I love having music to relate to, whether it be a happy or sad reminder! It's like someone else is singing the words in my heart.
Anyway... slight change of subject...
I was thinking the other day about how I can't stop talking about my kids and my wedding. I feel like a huge hypocrite, because before I had kids, and before I started planning a wedding, I would get SO ANNOYED by people who only talked about those things. I realize that my kids aren't as "cute" to other people as they are to me, and my wedding isn't as "interesting" as it is to me. But, those are both the biggest things I have going on in my life, and no matter how much I try to hold my feelings in, they just kind of pour out.
That's the reason why I love having this blog. I haven't hid it from anyone, but I also haven't told anyone that I have it. It's nice to have an area to just ramble to myself. It's an "ear" to listen when I have nobody else to talk to, or if I think that nobody really cares. I still hope that it fills up with more happy posts than sad. I'm guessing that's what everyone wants.
**Here is a collage of some things that I've already bought or would like to buy for the wedding. There is also a color palette that I've picked for the party that Jason's parents are throwing.**
Here's the garter I plan on ordering ;)
As you may have noticed, in my last post, I wrote a little letter to my mom about how I'm feeling toward her. I never sent it, and I probably never will, but it's crazy how much better I feel! I really could have gone on and on and on. I have a really hard time dealing with my relationship with her, and I am finally coming to terms with that. I will never have the "mother/daughter" relationship, in the daughter sense, but hopefully I can have it in the mother sense, with Ally.
I will never understand why she abandoned me. And I'm not talking about the physical part of her leaving. I'm talking about her emotional abandonment. I was starting to get over it, until I had kids. And after feeling the immense love that I have for both of them (EQUALLY!) I just cannot comprehend it. The lyrics at the end of my last post bring up so much emotion. That song is by Fuel, and it's called "Shimmer." It accidentally became my "theme song" during that rough patch in my life. I love having music to relate to, whether it be a happy or sad reminder! It's like someone else is singing the words in my heart.
Anyway... slight change of subject...
I was thinking the other day about how I can't stop talking about my kids and my wedding. I feel like a huge hypocrite, because before I had kids, and before I started planning a wedding, I would get SO ANNOYED by people who only talked about those things. I realize that my kids aren't as "cute" to other people as they are to me, and my wedding isn't as "interesting" as it is to me. But, those are both the biggest things I have going on in my life, and no matter how much I try to hold my feelings in, they just kind of pour out.
That's the reason why I love having this blog. I haven't hid it from anyone, but I also haven't told anyone that I have it. It's nice to have an area to just ramble to myself. It's an "ear" to listen when I have nobody else to talk to, or if I think that nobody really cares. I still hope that it fills up with more happy posts than sad. I'm guessing that's what everyone wants.
**Here is a collage of some things that I've already bought or would like to buy for the wedding. There is also a color palette that I've picked for the party that Jason's parents are throwing.**
Here's the garter I plan on ordering ;)
Monday, May 16, 2011
"Mother" is just not a title you deserve
Written on...
Friday, May 13, 2011
Of course I go days without having anything to blog about, and then when I desperately need to vent, blogger is down! So, I’m writing this on Word, and I’ll copy and paste whenever blogger is back up.
(It was a beautiful morning, and it’s storming as I write this… how fitting.)
Today I write because I’m mad. I write because I’ve been hurt, and I can’t hold it in anymore. It’s just not good for me. And I can’t vent to you, because you will just get defensive, and it won’t change the outcome anyway. So hopefully just getting this out will be therapeutic for me.
How does a mother leave her 3 children, especially when her youngest is 13?? Do you remember how hard 13 was? It’s not an easy time for anyone, especially when your mother walks out of your life. It’s certainly not easy carrying the responsibility of trying to keep your father from committing suicide. I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders at that time, because of you! I never should have had to deal with that stress at such a young age. The day you left me, dad asked you what your children were going to think about you when you walked out on them. And you said “FUCK the kids!” Really? I guess that’s a phrase I just can’t get over.
I have two kids now, and I CANNOT imagine leaving them like you did, EVER! There is absolutely NO excuse for what you did. I would fight tooth and nail to keep those precious children in my life. You were the definition of selfish when you handled your divorce like that. What you did to dad was between you and him. You weren’t happy. I get that. But I did not ask to be brought into this world, and there was no reason for you to walk out of my life for the three months that I needed you the most.
Okay, so I got that out. Let’s talk about now:
What you did then I could have gotten over, if you would have just said sorry one time. (I’m not counting the time at Justin’s wedding when you were so drunk that you didn’t know your own name) I’m talking a sober sorry. I DESERVE that from you. It’s the least you could do!! Not only have you never apologized for what you did then, you continue to shut me out. You stay close to Justin and Jenny, but for some reason, I am not good enough for you. Or maybe you just don’t like Jason. And that’s another thing that really pisses me off. The first time I brought Jason to your house you treated him like dirt, because you were mad at me for quitting school, and moving out of your house. It had nothing to do with him, yet you did not utter a single word to him the first time you met him. And seven months later, when he came over to your family’s house for Christmas, you didn’t introduce him to anyone. You acted like you were embarrassed that I brought him. You hugged Mark, and said hi to all of us, but turned a cold shoulder on Jason. And you wonder why he doesn’t like you. Maybe you want to blame him for turning me against you, as if I would need someone to persuade me to do that?!?!?
So, do you know what makes me even more disgusted with you? Not only have you shut me out of your life, you give a half-ass attempt at being a grandmother to two of your grandkids (MY kids). You sit there and “like” the pictures I put up of them on facebook. Yet, you never call to “see” how they are doing. You never come over to see them. I’m sure you wouldn’t even know what they looked like if I didn’t put pictures up of them. What did they do to deserve to not to have their grandmother in their life? Are you really that immature that you can’t be in their lives, because of something that I apparently did? Or is it that you really just don’t care about anyone but yourself, and they don’t fall in the “Yourself” category? Please help me understand.
Do you know that a few months ago, I did a little test to see how often you called me? I stopped calling, because I was sick of being the only person in our relationship. Well, you went THREE months without dialing my number. And the only reason you finally did, was because it was my birthday. And when I do finally talk to you, and you say “I love you” it sounds like the fakest, most forced thing in the entire world.
Well, I am right at my breaking point. I just can’t do this anymore. And a big part of me wants to give up on you, like you gave up on me. But another part of me realizes that I only have one mother, so I try to make something out of it, only to be turned down again. Do you know how much psychological damage that has caused me? I have so much anger in my heart, and I do NOT want to live like that.
At first, I felt really bad for uninviting you to our wedding. Jason knows the pain you’ve caused me, and could not understand why I‘ve tried so hard to keep you in my life. He didn’t want me to feel hurt during our wedding. So, that was a big reason why I wrote that message to you. But instead of replying to me, you go and talk about your feelings with Jenny. What a SLAP in the face that is to me. You are giving me the silent treatment, instead of having the balls to write a reply. You could have told me you were mad. You could have said that you just didn’t understand, or that you felt sad. But I got NOTHING from you!! So instead of feeling sorry for you, now I just feel irate.
Do you really think that after how you’ve treated me, you actually deserve to watch me get married? You didn’t feel the need to be around when I needed you before, so why would you think I want you there now? Is it so your family can see that you “were there.” Will you be embarrassed when they realize that you aren’t? You told Jenny that you were planning on helping us pay? Really, because I talked to you on the phone four times before that, and you never once offered to help. You helped Jenny and Justin with their weddings, but not me. And then you have the nerve to pay a grand to fly out to Vegas, so we can pay for you to go to our wedding, and celebrate with us? Sorry, but I will only pay for people who approve of Jason and I as a couple, and who are happy that we’re together. And even if you didn’t have enough money to help with the wedding, I deserved to hear it from you. More importantly, you could have given me emotional support.
On a side note: Dad (You know, that “crazy idiot” that you were married to for twenty years?) had the guts to say he just couldn’t afford to give me anything. And even though I was mad at him, and realized how unfair that was to help two kids but not the other, I got over it. I understand that the economy is different now, and that maybe the money just isn’t there. But I don’t believe you were planning on helping anyway.
Well… that’s enough for now. I’m feeling better already. There is so much more that I can add later.
“We’ll forget the past. But maybe I’m not able…. Cause I have found, all that shimmers in this world, is sure to fade away again.”
Friday, May 13, 2011
Of course I go days without having anything to blog about, and then when I desperately need to vent, blogger is down! So, I’m writing this on Word, and I’ll copy and paste whenever blogger is back up.
(It was a beautiful morning, and it’s storming as I write this… how fitting.)
Today I write because I’m mad. I write because I’ve been hurt, and I can’t hold it in anymore. It’s just not good for me. And I can’t vent to you, because you will just get defensive, and it won’t change the outcome anyway. So hopefully just getting this out will be therapeutic for me.
How does a mother leave her 3 children, especially when her youngest is 13?? Do you remember how hard 13 was? It’s not an easy time for anyone, especially when your mother walks out of your life. It’s certainly not easy carrying the responsibility of trying to keep your father from committing suicide. I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders at that time, because of you! I never should have had to deal with that stress at such a young age. The day you left me, dad asked you what your children were going to think about you when you walked out on them. And you said “FUCK the kids!” Really? I guess that’s a phrase I just can’t get over.
I have two kids now, and I CANNOT imagine leaving them like you did, EVER! There is absolutely NO excuse for what you did. I would fight tooth and nail to keep those precious children in my life. You were the definition of selfish when you handled your divorce like that. What you did to dad was between you and him. You weren’t happy. I get that. But I did not ask to be brought into this world, and there was no reason for you to walk out of my life for the three months that I needed you the most.
Okay, so I got that out. Let’s talk about now:
What you did then I could have gotten over, if you would have just said sorry one time. (I’m not counting the time at Justin’s wedding when you were so drunk that you didn’t know your own name) I’m talking a sober sorry. I DESERVE that from you. It’s the least you could do!! Not only have you never apologized for what you did then, you continue to shut me out. You stay close to Justin and Jenny, but for some reason, I am not good enough for you. Or maybe you just don’t like Jason. And that’s another thing that really pisses me off. The first time I brought Jason to your house you treated him like dirt, because you were mad at me for quitting school, and moving out of your house. It had nothing to do with him, yet you did not utter a single word to him the first time you met him. And seven months later, when he came over to your family’s house for Christmas, you didn’t introduce him to anyone. You acted like you were embarrassed that I brought him. You hugged Mark, and said hi to all of us, but turned a cold shoulder on Jason. And you wonder why he doesn’t like you. Maybe you want to blame him for turning me against you, as if I would need someone to persuade me to do that?!?!?
So, do you know what makes me even more disgusted with you? Not only have you shut me out of your life, you give a half-ass attempt at being a grandmother to two of your grandkids (MY kids). You sit there and “like” the pictures I put up of them on facebook. Yet, you never call to “see” how they are doing. You never come over to see them. I’m sure you wouldn’t even know what they looked like if I didn’t put pictures up of them. What did they do to deserve to not to have their grandmother in their life? Are you really that immature that you can’t be in their lives, because of something that I apparently did? Or is it that you really just don’t care about anyone but yourself, and they don’t fall in the “Yourself” category? Please help me understand.
Do you know that a few months ago, I did a little test to see how often you called me? I stopped calling, because I was sick of being the only person in our relationship. Well, you went THREE months without dialing my number. And the only reason you finally did, was because it was my birthday. And when I do finally talk to you, and you say “I love you” it sounds like the fakest, most forced thing in the entire world.
Well, I am right at my breaking point. I just can’t do this anymore. And a big part of me wants to give up on you, like you gave up on me. But another part of me realizes that I only have one mother, so I try to make something out of it, only to be turned down again. Do you know how much psychological damage that has caused me? I have so much anger in my heart, and I do NOT want to live like that.
At first, I felt really bad for uninviting you to our wedding. Jason knows the pain you’ve caused me, and could not understand why I‘ve tried so hard to keep you in my life. He didn’t want me to feel hurt during our wedding. So, that was a big reason why I wrote that message to you. But instead of replying to me, you go and talk about your feelings with Jenny. What a SLAP in the face that is to me. You are giving me the silent treatment, instead of having the balls to write a reply. You could have told me you were mad. You could have said that you just didn’t understand, or that you felt sad. But I got NOTHING from you!! So instead of feeling sorry for you, now I just feel irate.
Do you really think that after how you’ve treated me, you actually deserve to watch me get married? You didn’t feel the need to be around when I needed you before, so why would you think I want you there now? Is it so your family can see that you “were there.” Will you be embarrassed when they realize that you aren’t? You told Jenny that you were planning on helping us pay? Really, because I talked to you on the phone four times before that, and you never once offered to help. You helped Jenny and Justin with their weddings, but not me. And then you have the nerve to pay a grand to fly out to Vegas, so we can pay for you to go to our wedding, and celebrate with us? Sorry, but I will only pay for people who approve of Jason and I as a couple, and who are happy that we’re together. And even if you didn’t have enough money to help with the wedding, I deserved to hear it from you. More importantly, you could have given me emotional support.
On a side note: Dad (You know, that “crazy idiot” that you were married to for twenty years?) had the guts to say he just couldn’t afford to give me anything. And even though I was mad at him, and realized how unfair that was to help two kids but not the other, I got over it. I understand that the economy is different now, and that maybe the money just isn’t there. But I don’t believe you were planning on helping anyway.
Well… that’s enough for now. I’m feeling better already. There is so much more that I can add later.
“We’ll forget the past. But maybe I’m not able…. Cause I have found, all that shimmers in this world, is sure to fade away again.”
Friday, May 6, 2011
Holding On
One of my sister's friends posted this as their status on facebook, and I think I can relate to part of it at the moment so I wanted to share:
Our most difficult internal struggles, when finally overcome, create the deepest inner strengths. The struggle comes from holding on... to how it was, how we think it should be, or the pain of why it's not. When we let go with full faith that we can navigate our way through any perceived storm, everything we're afraid of losing is given to us... in forms we couldn't possibly have imagined. Our strength comes from exercising our ability to let go by faith and with grace... to find that love has been right there in front of us the whole time... taking on many roles, forms, and reflections... just waiting to be recognized by the clear heart.
Our most difficult internal struggles, when finally overcome, create the deepest inner strengths. The struggle comes from holding on... to how it was, how we think it should be, or the pain of why it's not. When we let go with full faith that we can navigate our way through any perceived storm, everything we're afraid of losing is given to us... in forms we couldn't possibly have imagined. Our strength comes from exercising our ability to let go by faith and with grace... to find that love has been right there in front of us the whole time... taking on many roles, forms, and reflections... just waiting to be recognized by the clear heart.
Dear Evan
Dear Evan,
Tomorrow you turn six months old! I can't believe how fast the time went. It literally seems like just yesterday, daddy and I were pulling into the hospital parking lot to go inside and give birth to you. You are such a beautiful baby, and such a blessing to us all!
You were due to be born on November 13, 2010, but I just couldn't wait to meet you. Looking back, I know I shouldn't have been so impatient, but I took some castor oil and orange juice on November 6th to speed things along. Well, boy did you teach me a lesson!! I was in labor all day, but had no idea, because I thought all that cramping was from the castor oil. At 11PM I felt you push down so hard, that I thought you were going to be born on our living room couch. Daddy and I rushed to the hospital. I was 4cm dialated when we got there, and by the time they got me out of triage and into the delivery room, I was 9 1/2!!!! There was no time for an epidural, so on November 7, 2010 at 1:32am, I screamed and pushed, and out you came!
From the minute I first saw you, I knew you would be such a good boy. You had your sweet little hands held up to your face as you cried. I probably scared you with all the screaming, sorry!!
I can't wait to see the man that you will one day become. But for now, I'm thouroughly enjoying you be the adorable little boy that you are. You love to go in your "jumpy jumpy" and "exi-saucy" as I like to call them. But more than anything, you like to be carried around, so you can look at everything! You're such a curious little boy! You have the most adorable laugh, and lucky for us, you laugh ALL the time! You must think your big sis has a cute little chipmunk voice, because you always laugh when she's around!
I have turned you into quite the mama's boy, and lately you will cry whenever I put you down. I am definitely not complaining, though. I have a feeling that one day you'll be more interested in other things, than you are your mom, so I will eat up all your attention while I can!
I always say that you're a perfect baby, except when it comes to sleep! You do not sleep much for a baby. Actually, you sleep about 9 hours at night, and fight me whenever I try to get you to take a nap. I guess, you just don't want to miss out on anything! You always fall asleep in the car, and you hate to lie flat on your back. So, you take naps in your bouncer and sleep in your nap nanny at night. You just learned how to roll over a few weeks ago, so I know we need to move you out of those soon, but I don't know how you are going to take it. Last time I tried to get you to sleep on your back, you woke up every half hour...
Well Evan, you just woke up from your nap. You slept a while this time... about an hour! ;) I love you dear boy!
Love,
Mom
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
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