Covered in Rain

"Summer stolen, fall replaces"

What is wrong with me!!? UGH!

Lately, I have been feeling so unhappy. I am also feeling so very angry at everyone and everything. I don't want to be this way AT ALL, and I wish I knew how I could make all this negativiy go away. I am freaking out about the wedding, in ways I NEVER thought I would. I am about to get married to Jason, and I don't know if I have ever felt more unloved by him than I do right now. He seems so uninterested in me, and in our relationship. I know we already have two kids together, and are practically married already... but that is no reason to get married. If he doesn't want to be with me, then why wouldn't he just say it? I don't care how much planning we've done, nothing is final until we say "I do." Maybe I need to have a talk with him. I don't know. Maybe I'm just insecure. I dont know. I don't know. I don't know. What I do know, is that we only have two weeks to figure this out. I want to cry.

It doesn't help that I have a family full of selfish people, who don't know how to support their sister/daughter. At every important moment in my life, I have been shut out by them. When I started dating Jason, my mom, sister, and brother treated Jason like crap, and stated thier dislike for him (to me). When I first moved in with Jason, not one person in my family could make it to our house warming party. When I got pregnant with Ally, my sister told me that I had made a mistake and I needed to have an abortion. WHAT!? Now I'm about to marry Jason, and my brother and sister have decided to turn their backs on me, because they don't like how I am handling my relationship with my mother. I just don't get it.

I know I am just sulking, and feeling sorry for myself. But I am in a funk and I can't help it.

To top it all off, as I am typing this, Jason is at his bachelor party. He insisted that he did not want one, but for some reason his brother pretty much forced the issue. So, I'm sitting her wondering what my fiance who I don't feel loves me, is doing at his bachelor party. I am also sitting here with the realization that tomorrow morning, Jason will be completely worthless to me, and I will be taking care of the kids by myself.

Natural Therapy

Today was very therapuetic, and just what I needed. It was a typical Thursday morning, with Ally at JuJu's, and Evan hanging out with me. I also did the standard Thursday cleaning that I always do. But this evening was quite nice. We took the kids to a park, which is right on Lake Erie, and always a bit cooler than it is at our house (which was nice today, because it was HOT out). The breeze off the lake made it the most comfortable temperature, and just being by the lake was lovely and enjoyable for all of us.

After we came home from the park, I finally filled my iPod (that I got for Mother's Day) up with some songs, and hit the road for a run. I did not feel like running at all tonight, but I made myself do it. I am so glad that I did!! I ended up running for a lot longer than I thought I would, and loved listening to all my new songs. We have a little pond behind our house, so after my jog, I kept my iPod on, and just cleared my head and watched the sun set over the pond. It was a great time to think about everything that I have going on, and take some deep breaths. I wish I could make myself do this every night, because it would probably be GREAT for me (way better than drinking a beer!)

Oh, I forgot to mention the other therapuetic part of my day... Katie called me to catch up, and I just got everything that is bothering me with my family off my chest. It was great to have a friend who understands me. I wish she didn't live so far away, and hopefully one day she'll be be able to come back to Ohio. I guess that is just selfish thinking ;)

Well... I hope everyone is having a great week. Nighty Night!